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How To Throw An Alaskan Bachelorette Party*

July 10, 2017

*Note: this is just one particular bachelorette party that I attended in Alaska for our friend Jodie. It was amazing and full of deep woods, good views, and great people. My friend Stephanie planned a wonderful event from 2000 miles away in Texas. I suggested group cups. We all contribute how we can, right?

Here’s how it was done.

Step 1: Invite the bride. Invite the bride’s friends. Invite the groom’s friend’s WAGs (wives and girlfriends). The more the merrier. Be the only one to wear shorts, and show off your pale legs.

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Step 2: Go kayaking on a massive lake that is glacier-fed and also the Municipality of Anchorage’s water source. Attempt to kayak to the glacier. You won’t make it. Bond over the fact that the kayak rental guide mildly terrified everyone with sayings like “The water is 38 degrees, so try not to capsize. In about 2 minutes you’d have hypothermia.” and “Stay close to the shoreline in case the weather turns. I’ve seen four foot swells in this lake.” Kayak at least 6 miles so your arms and abs are a little bit tired, but looking super buff.

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Step 3: Celebrate a perfectly calm morning on the lake with ice cream at an ice cream parlor whose sign is a little bit naughty.

Step 4: Don backpacking apparel and go on a 3 mile hike to the public use cabin that was reserved for your group. Chat amongst each other. Marvel at the beautiful views. Wonder aloud if there will be a male stripper.

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Step 5: Arrive at the cabin! Open the 5 liters of wine that was packed. Have a mini whiskey tasting lesson that teaches you how to not flinch when downing straight liquor. Find a dollar in the cabin.

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Step 6: The first of the bachelorette games! The party host asked the Groom to send video clips of him answering a list of questions about the Bride, about himself, about their relationship, and a few just to embarass them both. The Groom obliges because he is awesome. Make the Bride take a drink when she gets an answer wrong, have the rest of the party members take a drink when she gets an answer right. Take drinks throughout just because you want to. Enjoy giggling during the lust-driven questions.

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Step 7: Have a young, attractive man in a park ranger outfit pull up. He’ll say his name is Neil and that he’s there to stock the latrine. You’ll think he’s getting really into his role play. Joke semi-loudly that he must be the male stripper. Note that he takes his role play very seriously and puts on gloves and actually cleans the latrine. This is getting good. Neil is really good at this…. oh wait. Neil is leaving. Neil isn’t actually a stripper.

Step 8: Go to the latrine. Note how clean it is. Also note that you can hear every word being said at the picnic table you were just sitting at. Hope Neil is flattered instead of offended.

Step 9: Drink wine and whiskey out of really cute cups.

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Step 10: Go down to the water and engage in competition. Who can skip rocks the best? No one. Change competition to biggest rock splash, and farthest rock toss. Agree that this is a much better competition. Go back up to refill wine.

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Step 11: Another man shows up. The real stripper?! No, just a man who wants to use our (freshly cleaned) latrine. He seems embarassed. We know what he’s doing in there. (Definately pooping.) He doesn’t strip for us and quickly rushes back to the trail.

Step 12: One person distracts the Bride while the rest of the party goers hang up lingere on a clothesline. The Bride must guess who got her which lingere sets. Then everyone comes up with names for the lingere, and the names are written on cards. Enjoy making silly names like ‘the secret garden‘ for a lovely green set and ‘penis noir‘ for a dashing black robe. Realize you’re getting to know everyone so well. Think to yourself, “What an awesome group of women!”

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Step 13: Share dinner cooked over a jetboil, and smores over a fire built by the Bride, who is probably the best firebuilder you know. Eat several smores. Like, seriously, all the smores.

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Step 14: Bask in the midnight sun. Attempt to go to bed. Wake up early because the sun never sets on a good time (or really, it just doesn’t set in an Alaskan Summer). Enjoy some bagels. Hike out of the woods, excited that you get to spend the next few days with these girls.

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Step 15: Go to a nail salon. Get manicures and pedicures while still having a slight layer of the outdoors on you. Because, dammit, it’s Alaska and you’re going to your amazing friend’s wedding and no one up here will ever judge.

 

 

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